Willy Wonka, Eat Your Heart Out
by Rebecca the Great
Summary: Oh dear, it seems I've written a parody.... Lessee, warnings.... Yaoi, Relena-bashing, and self-insertion. But don't worry! It's a Shoot the Author! Production, so that should be amusing for all you Mary-Sue haters. ^_^


Author's Note: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! My evil muses have forced me to write ..... a parody!!!  
  
Eros: And if you wanna know why it's called a Shoot the Author! Production, just stick around till the end of the fic! Bwahaha!!!  
  
Heero: ::cocks handgun and smirks::  
  
^^;; Eep!!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing of any importance, much less Gundam Wing or Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I'm not making any money off of this here thingy. (Really, who'd be dumb enough to PAY for it?) So don't sue me, all right? ^_^  
  
  
Quatre Winner and the Mecha Factory  
  
a Shoot the Author! Production  
  
by Rebecca the Great  
  
  
Wufei, Duo, Heero, Trowa, and - urg - Relena all stand in front of a big-ass fence in front of a big-ass factory.  
  
RtG-chan: Ok, so once upon a time there was an eccentric billionaire moblie-suit-parts-maker named Quatre Winner. He'd always had kept his factory really really REALLY secretive, but one day just decided to have a contest to let in five people. He put golden tickets inside various machine parts, and whoever found them would be given a tour of the factory and a life-time supply of mobile suit fuel.  
  
Wufei: Golden tickets? Couldn't you have thought of something more original?  
  
RtG-chan: Fine. They were gundanium tickets, then.  
  
Wufei: Oh that's ~much~ better.  
  
Duo: Hey, if they were all in mobile suit parts, how'd ~she~ get one? ::jerks thumb at Relena, who is going goo-goo-eyed at Heero::  
  
Relena: ::snaps out of it:: Milliardo gave me his.  
  
Cut to shot of Zechs in a body cast in a hospital room. Noin rushes in looking worried.  
  
Noin: Zechs! What happened?!  
  
Zechs: *cough* R-Relena heard th-that Heero was going on th-the tour... *rasp* ... Then sh-she heard I had a t-ticket... *coughcough*....  
  
The heart monitor goes flatline and doctors rush in. One grabs up the paddles of a handy defibulator.   
  
Doctor: Clear! ::shocks Zechs::  
  
The heart monitor starts beeping again.  
  
Doctor: ::gives camera two thumbs up and big cheesey grin:: He's OH-KAY!  
  
Cut back to group outside the factory.  
  
Trowa: Wait, who's coming out?  
  
Everyone turns to look at the factory as Quatre comes out wearing a purple top hat O_o. He opens the gate.  
  
Quatre: Hello all! Welcome to my mobile suit factory! Won't you come in?  
  
Quatre leads them into a huge room. It's got mobile suit parts growing on trees and up from the ground and a huge waterfall of mobile suit fuel.   
  
Wufei: ....Ohhh-kaaaay.... What's the point of this, then?  
  
Quatre: ::shrugs:: I have a crappy interior decorator?  
  
Duo: The fumes make me dizzy... ::falls over into Heero's arms::  
  
Heero: Hn. ::smirks::  
  
Quatre: Oh dear... ::takes out a li'l violin and plays a bit on it, then waits impatiently::  
  
Wufei: What good is that going to - ::breaks off as he catches sight of something behind the rest of the group:: O_o  
  
The group turns to see Chibi Manguanacs come marching out from a door in the wall wearing little white jodhpurs and badly-fitted green wigs.   
  
Relena: EEK! What are ~those~?  
  
Quatre: They're the Chibi Manguanacs. I saved them from evil space pirates, and in return they vowed to work for me.  
  
Chibi-Rashid goes up to Quatre.  
  
Chibi-Rashid: You called, Quatre-sama?  
  
Quatre: Yes, I did. Will you please take Duo to the infirmary?   
  
Chibi-Rashid: Yes sir, Quatre-sama.   
  
The Chibi Manguanacs do a funky little dance as they take Duo from Heero's arms.  
  
Chibi-Rashid: HI Hooooohhhhhhh!  
  
Chibi Manguanacs: ::singing:: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we -  
  
Duo: ::sniggers while trying to appear unconscious::  
  
RtG-chan: No! You're singing the wrong song! Think Willy Wonka, not Snow White!  
  
The Chibi Manguanacs look at each other and shrug. They begin to dance again, but before they can sing Duo burst out laughing.  
  
RtG-chan: Duo, get back in character!  
  
Duo: Wahahaha!  
  
Heero and Wufei: Baka.  
  
Trowa: ::stares at Quatre with li'l hearts floating around his head::  
  
Relena: ::stares at Heero with li'l hearts floating around her head::  
  
Heero: ::realizes Relena is staring at him and tries to hide behind Chibi-Rashid::  
  
Duo: But I don't wanna be taken out of the parody yet! I've hardly gotten any screen time! Plus who knows what ~she~ plans to do with Heero! ::glares at Relena::  
  
RtG-chan: ::sigh:: Duo, please go. I'll make sure Relena doesn't get her paws on Heero.  
  
Duo: Promise?  
  
RtG-chan: Promise. Now please just go?  
  
Duo: No!  
  
RtG-chan: All right, I tried to do this the easy way. Quatre, you know what to do.  
  
Quatre: ::looks puzzled:: Huh?  
  
RtG-chan: Grrr - Make the Chibi Manguanacs take him away!  
  
Quatre: Oh, right! ::takes out the li'l violin and plays on it::  
  
The Chibi Manguanacs forcefully pick Duo up and carry him out kicking and screaming.  
  
Everyone: O_o  
  
Quatre: -_-;; Er - shall we move on?  
  
RtG-chan: So he took them to his secret testing lab...  
  
The group is in a smaller room filled with odd-looking machinery. They break up to explore.  
  
Trowa: :: meaningful look with Quatre over a vat of improved mobile suit oil:: *sparkle sparkle*  
  
Quatre: ::heart-eyes:: *sparkle sparkle*  
  
Wufei rounds a corner and sees a hand-held version of Nataku's trident.  
  
Wufei: ::smirk:: ::picks it up and begins does katas::  
  
Heero is trying to elude Relena but with little noticable results. He ducks around a large mass of metal tubing. Relena follows, but as she passes the top tube bursts. Green goo sprays everywhere and covers Relena in the process.  
  
Relena: AIEEEE- *glub glub* - EEE- *glub* - EEEEEE!!!  
  
Quatre: ::without looking away from Trowa:: Is something that matter?  
  
Relena: Uh - *glub* - No!  
  
Quatre: All right then.   
  
Relena wipes green goo off of herself as she walks away from the sight of the spill, then spies Heero looking into a box at the far end of the room. She puts on her best smile, which makes her look rather like a deranged ostrich, and approaches with what she obviouly thinks is a seductive sway of her hips.  
  
Relena: Heeeeerrrooo! What are you doing?  
  
Heero turns with an almost beautific expression on his face. In his hand he holds a small black object with a red button on top. Now that she is closer, Relena can see the label of the box. It says "Self-Destruct Buttons." Even her slow brain was able to pick up on Heero's intetions.  
  
Relena: HEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRROOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ::dives at him::  
  
Heero: ::dodges easliy:: ::smirks and presses button::   
  
There is a moment of terrified silence as the device gears up, then there is a small explosion. Relena turns away and lets out an anguished howl. Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei all shudder and start running in the opposite direction. Then they remember Heero and go to see what's wrong.  
  
Quatre: Relena?   
  
Relena: WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! HEEEEEEEEERRROOOOOO'S DEEEEEEAAAAAD!!!!  
  
Quatre: ::blink blink:: Um, what?  
  
Relena: HE SELF-DESTRUCTED! WAAAAAHHH!!!  
  
Wufei: ::rolls eyes:: Moron! He's not dead!  
  
Relena: ::sniff:: He's not?  
  
Wufei: Use your freakin' eyes, onna! ::gestures with the trident::  
  
Heero stands a few feet away looking at his hand in disbelief. His face, chest, and hair are all covered in black soot and he looks about ready to cry.  
  
Heero: It - it didn't work... ::lip trembles::  
  
Quatre: No, it worked. You see, it's the ~button~ that self destructs. Self-destruct button. See?  
  
Heero: ::scowls:: ::eye twitches:: Someone will pay for that horrible pun... ::glares up at authoress who tries to look nonchalant::  
  
Quatre: ^^;; ::plays a bit on his li'l violin::  
  
The Chibi Manguanacs enter, but there is a rather large one among their ranks...  
  
RtG-chan: Duo! What are you ~doing~?!! o_O  
  
Duo: What? I wanted some more screen time, and Chibi-Rashid said it'd be alright if I wore the uniform and all. ::adjusts his wig, which has a hole cut in it for his braid:: How do I look?  
  
Wufei: Like an idiot.  
  
Duo: ::sticks his tongue out::  
  
Wufei: Oh, now ~that~ makes you look ~so~ much more intelligent.  
  
Quatre: Chibi-Rashid, will you please take Heero up to the infirmary?  
  
Chibi-Rahsid: Yes sir.  
  
Chibi Manguanacs: ::pick up Heero and drag him from the room::   
  
Duo: ::follows Chibi Manguanacs:: Hey Heero! I think they have some jodhpurs in your size!  
  
Heero: ::distant:: Omae o korosu!  
  
Quatre: Er - right. Shall we continue with the tour?  
  
Trowa: ::comes from behind Quatre and hugs him from behind:: Yes, please.  
  
Quatre: *sparkle sparkle* ^_^ All right, lets go.  
  
They all move to go, but Relena suddenly shrieks. Everyone turns to stare at her. She's melting before their eyes.  
  
Relena: WHAT'S HAPPENING??!!?!??!? AHHHHHGG!!!   
  
Wufei: Stupid woman. You're melting. It's rather obvious.  
  
Relena: BUT HOW???!!!??!?!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGG!!!!  
  
Quatre: Well, if you'd have told the truth about blowing up my experimental acid tank, I might've been able to help you, but noooo, you had to go and be dishonest.  
  
Relena: ::getting quieter as she melts:: Acid?!  
  
Quatre: ::sigh:: Yes. It's slow acting but can eat through gundamium.  
  
Relena: ::getting even quieter:: but - but - nooooooooooooo!!! heeeeeeeeeerrrrroooooooo!!!!!! ::fades off into nothing as she turns into a puddle of goo::  
  
Quatre: Urg - that's nasty. ::plays a bit on his li'l violin::  
  
The Chibi Manguanacs come in along with Duo and Heero. No one even wants to know how Duo got him into the white jodhpurs and green wig, much less to join in with the singing. o_O;;  
  
Chibi Manguanacs: ::singing:: Ding Dong! The witch is dead!  
  
RtG-chan: Well... ~Technically~ it's not the right song.... but what the hell!  
  
Wufei: ::snorts:: This fic is so stupid! I've got better things to do!  
  
Cut to shot of Treize in a black silk bathrobe drinking a glass of cogniac and generally looking sexy.   
  
Cut back to Quatre's lab. Wufei storms out, taking the trident with him. The Chibi Manguanacs dance in a circle around the puddle that used to be Relena, and Quatre singles Trowa out.  
  
Quatre: Well, looks like you're the only one left. Wanna go make out in my glass elevator?  
  
Trowa: *sparkle sparkle* All right, then. ^_^  
  
They exit together. The Chibi Manguanacs get buckets and mops and start to clean up Relena. Heero grabs Duo by the braid.  
  
Duo: OW! What's that for?  
  
Heero: Baka. You owe me. C'mon. ::drags Duo off::  
  
Duo: Hey! I don't owe you anything! Leggo! OW! Ow! ...oh... Oh! OH! HEERO!  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
Well that's that! It's done! And with a happy ending for all! ^_^ (excluding Relena, of course) ^_~  
  
Heero: You think that'll save you? ::aims gun::  
  
Now - uh - Heero, don't do anything rash... It wasn't my fault! Shoot the muses!  
  
Eros and Thalia: ::wearing bullet-proof police riot gear:: Take yer best shot, Spandex Wonder!  
  
Heero: No. This is for that terrible pun. Omae o korosu. ::pulls trigger::  
  
Thalia: ::wrinkles nose:: Urg... ~I'm~ certainly not cleaning that up... Someone get the Chibi Manguanacs... And maybe Zechs' doctors as well...  
  
Heero: Hn. Ninmu kanryou. ::returns gun to spandex space::  
  
Eros: And just because the authoress is in the process of dying at the moment doesn't me you can skimp on the reviews! Thank you! ^_^  



End file.
